Fast-Forwarded Memories

Pops

I was lying in bed and all I could think about is the marathon that I’m training for this upcoming month. I’m not really anxious about it. I guess it’s more the implications of running a marathon are hard for me to digest at the moment. This blog is a little more “open” than I’m normally comfortable being… but I guess there’s something to be said for transparency. Filling in the blanks would probably help you follow my train of thought.

I’ve always valued time with my dad. He’s a pretty cool dude. Not as cool as he thinks he is, nowhere near as cool as he remembers being, but still… a pretty cool dude. When I was sophomore in college my eyes kind of opened to the fact that time with him was valuable. He was getting really into weightlifting at the time and, since I was working in a research lab with him, I jumped on the bandwagon.  Getting stronger never really mattered to me. I just wanted to hang with my dad.

Then, he had surgery on the calcified lump on his shoulder. That kind of ended the whole weightlifting endeavor. So I started running. I figured, my dad had already run a marathon; it would be awesome if we could do something like that together. We started getting lofty ideas of running an Ironman and Triathlons… hilarious concepts in hindsight (did I mention that I can’t swim?). But then, knee surgery on his right knee and the doctor tells him running is a no-go. No more triathlons. No more Ironman. No more running period.

Everything is greener on the fairway

So of course since my dad loves golf, I try to pick up golf. Try is the key word here. We played a couple 18’s together. Not more than two because his knee never fully recovered and watching him limp up and down a green is not my idea of fun. He’s essentially been sidelined and in a few weeks the other knee is going to undergo surgery. Getting old sucks but watching Superman age is kind of brutal.

A few of my good friends have lost parents and I don’t know how they manage. Both of my ‘rents are still here and I’m already replaying my life on fast-forward thinking… As we age and as the loved one’s around us advance in years, faith is really put to the test. Do you really believe that they’re headed towards eternity? And if so, are you overjoyed at the fact that they’re about to be rushed into the presence of a Holy God? And doesn’t marriage just mean that I’ll be spending holidays with a family I barely know?

 It’s a hard pill to swallow… one that’s still stuck somewhere in the back of my throat. But the presence of God is the epitome of everything glorious and wonderful. A friend of mine says over and over that in heaven "we get God". I'd add to that the fact that in heaven, getting God makes everything so much better. No more goodbyes. No more sports injuries... just endless rejoicing.  For now all I know is that I’m fighting to rejoice in the fact that the relationships and reunions will be even more enhanced when we’re rejoicing in His kingdom.

Back to the Beginning

In about two days, I'll be a student again. It seems like teaching was a million years away. I can't quite come to grips with it. I was at a college campus on Tuesday and these two freshmen walked up and started talking to me. At first the conversation was normal until I was hit with the overwhelming realization that 6 months ago I would've been their teacher. That makes me... old. This week has been one to-do list after the other and, as much as I fight the irreversable fact that the younger version of me is off in some distant universe, the truth is that with each passing day I'm walking one step closer to nose-hairs and potbellies (these being my biggest two reasons why I never want to be old).

And I guess being a student makes the whole aging process a bit more... complicated. As a 23-year old, I struggle to stay awake past 10 o'clock without three cups of that liquid gold we mortals have dubbed "coffee". All-nighters are definitely something that I need to leave in yesteryear. Some things will be different (finding some way to juggle school and life) while others undoubtedly will be the same.

With school gawking at me from right around the corner, a lot of memories have come flooding back. I can laugh and remember how terrified/nervous/awkward I was during my first day of high-school. And a serious head-shake is warranted at the thought of how cool I tried to be in college... In hindsight, most of the times I tried to be cool (white-tees, rattails, afros, baggy pants, and FUBU) come off as embarrassingly corny. In fact, a trip home is definitely needed to destroy some of the evidence that these events actually took place (i.e. me having permanent residence on the sitting on the step). But I guess most of all I can look at harsh break-ups, rejection letters, failures, friendships and success from a different vantage point.

Lately I've been noticing how the root of bitterness destroys relationships within my own family and, maybe even more importantly, how it pollutes memories. Instead of the past being something we can laugh over, it becomes a justification for emotions. And I guess, like everything else, it all goes back to Adam and Eve (or... Eve cause it was all her fault right?). We could all hate Adam for messing up... everything. But then again, God had a plan in place to demonstrate his glory and his grace. Even though I find myself filled with it at times, I don't really believe in regret. It all depends on perspective.

Fight to believe that in your pursuit of God, the embarrassing, painful, surprisingly uncomfortable moments are displaying his amazing glory. The gospel transforms lives to the glory of a Risen King. He's not some evil kid with a magnifying glass trying to make our lives suck, there's a purpose to it all. Because if you don't have faith in his sovereignty, his purpose, his plan, his glory... at the end of the day what do you really have?

The Artist

All week I’ve been struggling (I mean… seriously struggling…) to pick up graphic design and navigate the oasis of writer’s block. As I created one awful piece of typography after another while watching my fingers literally slip off of the keyboard as they dripped with sweat (probably had more to do with the fact that it’s 115 degrees outside and I don’t use the AC), I realized that art is hard… well for some of us. Below is a quote from Octavious Newman, designer of B3ar Fruit (here’s the whole speech):

“God’s a beast… I mean look at yourselves. Go outside, the sun is not wack… The stuff that God creates, it’s really dope… it really is.” – Octavious Newman

During my quite time today, I was reminded of the fact that God didn’t struggle with creation. He’s the most awesome poet of all time, his words created a literal world. And everything in it is always in style. Can you ever really tell Aurora Borealis that it’s not cool anymore? While I hope my own poems have some redeeming quality to them, God was the only fit to evaluate his creation.

And that goes for our own lives as well. God is creating sonnets, poems, concertos and ensembles, fresco, paintings, and graphic designs of the lives of His people (okay maybe not graphic designs…). While they may suck in the moment or don’t look all that hot from the ground view, He’s the only one fit to evaluate his creation… and for all intensive purposes… it’s art.

Below is a poem I wrote earlier today. I’ve also included a link to a site that has a few spoken word pieces on it. I hope they point you towards the Masterful Architect.

Satisfaction

Fingernails, ooze,

Dripping dollops of sulfur

Leaving a perfect canvas tainted.

Bleach and baking soda

Retreat to the shelter of paper towels

As the stain surges forward,

Engulfing the knuckles,

Swallowing the wrists.

Guilty and unclean,

A spiritual bulimic,

As stomach acid refuses to catalyze

Enzymes of esoteric promises.

Torah’s whole grains and fiber

prove to much for a fragile frame

Accustomed to the sanctuary of milky

Half-truths.

O to be satisfied…

Memories of famished and

Parched yesterdays bubble,

Boiling to the surface of a

Wheat grass tonic.

Adding hyssop and tomato paste,

The iron wool of a wooden cross

Scrapes skin from wrinkled fingers.

But o’ to be satisfied…

Somewhere in the pasture of purification,

Peace lies, waiting to be uncovered.

Somewhere beneath the layered dirt,

True love’s letter gazes back with

Unadulterated certainty.

As tender hands fold gingerly

Cupping a brittle assurance,

The hope of finding celestial courts

Burns anew as living water whispers

Confidence to cracked and splintered lips.

But oh gaze on you with rehabilitated eyes

For then I will be satisfied.

Moving Blues

A few weeks ago, the thought of owning a home didn’t make any sense in my feeble human mind. I mean, it’s like getting married and having kids… except without any of the perks. Owning a house also grants you the ridiculous ability to store, locate, and hoard an incomprehensible amount of junk.

But then last week happened and I was privileged to move from one apartment to the other (P.S. if you don’t know by now… if I ever use the word privileged I’m being sarcastic). Somehow this glorious event took me an entire week and it was here that I came to the irrevocable conclusion that moving sucks… a lot. Packing and unpacking, standing out in the blistering heat holding a box of glorified trash, and don’t even get me started on steps (who invented them and why!?!?). Yes, I hate moving.

Ironically, this serves as an easy spiritual metaphor for my life… kind of darned if you do, darned if you don’t. It’s been pretty evident that God is moving me from “teacher” to “missions (fingers crossed)”. And while I’m excited about the destination, I’m not really feeling the transition. As I told a friend earlier this week, I’ve been in full Israelite mode. In Exodus the Children of God begged Him to send them back into slavery because they were hating the journey even though they longed for the destination. They had been delivered, their prayers had been answered… and all they could do was wish that they had never prayed in the first place.

Perhaps, in some overly complicated and philosophical way that is far beyond my comprehension, the journey is necessary to prepare you for the destination. In my own life that means the being “financially constrained” (the politically correct way of saying that my life is being limited by a budget), flustered as to how I’ll balance school and work, and jobless is what I need right now. Ugh… that is definitely a tough pill to swallow but then again this life is a life of transitions. If our eternal destination is someplace else… won’t we always be in a constant state of flux?

At any rate, the juice will be worth the squeeze and, as I cram to prepare for Open Mic nights, prepare lessons for Adult Bible Fellowship, and master Greek and Ancient Hebrew… there’s comfort in that truth. Call it growing pains, moving blues, or transitional lamentations (I made that last one up J)… I just know with certainty that as much as I hate transitions and waiting… they’re both essentials and somehow exalt the King’s Glory. And in the end, isn’t that enough to help us suck it up and keep on walking?

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow: Redemption

I don’t know what it is about Morgan Freeman that makes him utterly quotable… Maybe it’s the sound of his voice, or perhaps the fact that he’s always been old (think about it… have you ever seen him with a head of “non-gray” hair… my point exactly) either way it doesn’t matter:

Sometimes it makes me sad, though... [my friend] being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

- Shawshank Redemption

I was having a pretty bad day earlier this week until I received an email from a good friend and fellow servant of Christ in South Africa (ironically I was in the process of praying for his family when the email came through). For those of you who don’t know, I’ve had quite an itch for South Africa lately and have been chomping at the bit to go and spread the gospel over seas. The email told of a student’s letter that expressed that she was pretty bummed about the fact that all of her teachers (Me, Kevin & Teen.., etc.) would come and teach for a period of time and then return to the states. I guess her own words describe her feelings better than anything I could ever say: “Why do I always have to loose teacher, to me, who I love and teach me to do good…”

Over the past two years I’ve had the grace of meeting some really great people only for them to go off to distant corners of the globe. And that being said, I’ve been consistently hopscotching time zones myself. It definitely makes friendships… interesting. And don’t even get me started on South Africa…

I guess ultimately… the hardest part about trusting God is believing that whatever is going on right now is what you need to have going on right now… Assuming a person’s pursuing God, He’s promised to direct your path. It’s a matter of believing that His timing and ways are superior to yours and that He’s preparing you to glorify His name. Isn’t that the ultimate goal of all that we do? After all, weren’t we created for his glory? Yeah, waiting sucks… a lot. As friends drift into different time zones, loved one’s pass away, and employment overly complicates the already complex nature of life… I know it’s okay to miss distant friends and to look back fondly on the memories that have passed but our greatest hope always lies before us: spending eternity geeking at the feet of a Savior who loves us. But that being said… I guess sometimes I still just miss my friend(s).

Church Bells and Wedding Daze…

I just got back from Philly a few days ago and will be heading out to Dallas in the near future. By now I should have enough frequent flier miles to go to sleep and Paris and wake up in Tokyo. It amazes me how much better it is to travel with a friend. This weekend a buddy of mine was getting married in Philly (he’d just moved there) so the whole “Houston” click went up to celebrate with him. I was able to coordinate my flight with another friend of mine and we had some quality conversations about Christ and life. I think airplanes are the perfect opportunity to share the gospel but that’s another conversation for another place and time.

For those of you who don’t know, Mark is one of my really good friends and I’m extremely excited about where God is taking him and his wife. I can’t remember being this excited about anyone getting married. This was my second wedding in one week and it was by far the best wedding I’ve ever witnessed. Both Mark and Esther (the groom and bride) really love God and it was evident at the ceremony. Everyone there was so overjoyed to see how God had faithfully brought them from college to marriage. What was even more amazing to me was how they prioritized God’s glory in their ceremony. It really moved me. Here are some pics from the wedding.

Personally, I had been struggling with a recent bought of marriage fever. Pretty much everyone around me is getting married and, while I’m in no way prepared for such a step (more on that later), my temperature was running a little high, my hands were feeling clammy, and I was feeling a little left out. But after this weekend my mindset is a little different. Right now and forever, I just want to love God and seek His glory. I’m not content to love him in the way that I currently do. I need more of him.

Like many Americans, marriage had been an idol in my heart since the days of watching Doug and PowerRangers (come-on… you know the Pink and White rangers were made for each other…). And as much as I’d love to blame Brian McKnight for one too many love songs, it boils down to not valuing God’s companionship. Yeah, I know it’s not good for man to be alone. But let’s not forget that Adam was busy doing Kingdom work and physically couldn’t accomplish the task without assistance… Eden wasn’t a matter of loneliness. If I’ve walked away with any personal application from this weekend it’s that I yearn to really love God. Mark and Esther said numerous times throughout the weekend that even their marriage ceremony wasn’t about them… but was about God and His glory. Man… I wish that was my attitude. I know that I love God. I know that I’m passionate about his glory… He just deserves so much more of my heart.

Cabbage Patch of Faith

Break has been... different? God has been moving like crazy and while at times it is exceptionally encouraging (late night conversations and bible studies where I can see God moving) but at the same point life is... complicated :)

Yet and still, I still get so GEEKED about my God. For the first time in my life I can see fighting pride and lust as more than just an endless struggle. As I was running one day (yes ya' boy is crazy enough to run in 15 degree weather...thank God for UnderArmour), God really started to tag me up and deal with me about listening to wisdom. The longer I ran, the clearer it began to become the simplicity and complexity of knowing God.

For those of you who do not know, this summer I took a mission trip to South Africa and on the plain it became painstakingly obvious that I did not have a passion for God. My relationship had been drenched in stoicism and, after reading John Piper's Desiring God, I realized that I could not picture being satisfied in Him because I did not know what pleasure was/is/feels like.

I now realize that there's a cycle that we, as human beings, are excluded from and limited by: passion for God -leads to--> a desire for God -which leads to--> searching for more of God -which leads to--> finding God and knowing Him more and more -which leads to--> a passion for God.

The cycle doesn't really start anywhere and logically you could only become passionate about a God that you know so most times, we're stuck in one of the following categories

1)We are passionate about a "God" we do not really know.
-> in this category we are excited about God, but don't spend time actually chasing after a sound knowledge of Him. This causes our passion to be rooted in feelings and not genuine faith. My "push" here is that people can be passionate about ANYTHING but how do you know that the God you are passionate about is the God of the scriptures...?

2)We desire God but fail to pursue.
-> really simple here, if you really desire God, you will chase after Him until you find Him. If you really want Him, you won't be satisfied until you have Him. If you seek you will find, if you're not finding, are you really seeking or just pretending to look?

3)We "know" God but our faith has become dry and passionless.
->Kind of like a fading marriage, we're stuck just going through the motions. In this scenario/state of mind, we know and study lots of theology but don't God. If we did, we would be overcome by His awesome awesomeness and there is no way we could not get excited about Him.


So what's the solution??!?!? Very simple: Pray that God gives you the passion to pursue Him (you can't do it without His grace), the knowledge that establishes your faith as solid and secure, and a desire that never fades.

I KNOW!!! Crazy simple, but if God is supposed to be our source, even our activated faith begins and ends with Him. We need Him to push, prod, inspire, reestablish, and replenish us constantly throughout our journey. You can't even desire God on your own, He has to plant that in you. So as you examine your faith, I implore you to ask God to open your eyes and then divinely "grow you-up" as only He can.

Grace and Peace

Hail to the Victors

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

For the past two weeks I've been struggling. I've constantly felt like a failure and, despite what I knew about God and his promises, saw my life going contrary to the vision that God has instilled in me. Life was hard and I was struggling to believe that God was with me. Each night I read in my bible to be strong and courageous and that God was with me wherever I went but I started to think that this "wherever" didn't quite include KLCP.

The University of Michigan fight song states: hail to the victors valiant, hail to the conquering heroes, hail hail to Michigan the champions of the world. Last night I was praying and a thought hit my mind and took it over: Christ defeated death and I already have the victory. There is no battle left to fight except that in my mind and I now refuse to start believing the failure I see over the victory God has promised me. It's one thing to read God's word and know the battle he fights for you (almost every Psalm and the entire new testament) it's another thing to know in your heart that it's the truth and stand on it in the face of defeat.

Truthfully, almost every problem that we as believers face comes down to faith. That's why the bible tells us that the righteous shall live by faith. God has made a habit of being faithful so much so that it has become an inherit part of his nature. In order for him to be unfaithful, he would have to deny his very existence. It is our job to stand on his word and believe that he will do every single thing that he has said he will do. Faith has to become more than just a part of our vocabulary, but a genetic trait. We have to carry it around with us and know that any struggle we go through in this life is really just a struggle to believe the truth that God has promised. I refuse to let this world taint the blessing of life. God gave us life and told us to stay clothed in peace and joy. In order to truly have joy and truly be at peace, we must know that the battle is over. God has already won. The victory is ours by the grace of God and if God be for us, if God has promised us all power and victor, then know that you're a conquering hero, a champion over this world.